Cooking In the Laboratory Part 2: Autoclaved Oncorhynchus mykiss con Brassica sauce.

An Oppressed Graduate Student’s Guide to

Cooking In the Laboratory

The following protocols are intended only as a joke though would likely produce palatable food with only a minimal risk of hazardous contamination leading to injury or death. As always, use proper personal protective equipment (PPE) when dealing with any potentially dangerous chemicals or equipment.

Autoclaved Oncorhynchus mykiss con Brassica sauce

Protocol (Requires individual laboratory optimization) :

1.) Upon capture of a suitable O. mykiss, prepare the organism for consumption by "filleting" the muscle away from spine and removing outer epithelium with cycloid scales intact. This may be performed with a dorsoventral incision posterior to the opurculum on either side, and then sliding the scalpel posteriorly along the spine. Store at 4C until use for up to three days. Discard entrails as biohazardous waste.

2.) Prepare Brassica ovule sauce by crushing appx. 10g of either Brassica juncea or B. nigra ovules using a clean mortar and pestle. Crush ovules until satisfactory disruption of endosperm is achieved. Add 100mg powdered rhizome of tumeric (C. longa) and homogenize mixture until lipids appear to separate from mixture. Mix in 200mg Sodium Chloride and 100mg dehydrated, milled P. nigrum fruits (to taste).

3.) Spread Brassica sauce liberally over the prepared fish fillet (Wear gloves!). Line an autoclave-safe container with heavy-duty aluminum foil. Place the fillet on the foil and cover with another piece of foil. Be sure to mark the container with new autoclave tape to indicate when the item is fully cooked. 

4.) Autoclave on Liquid Cycle (Slow vent) at 115 degrees C and 10 PSI for 15 minutes. Following cycle completion, check to see if autoclave tape was developed and remove the item for consumption. Serve on paper plates to the entire lab. Adjust protocol as necessary. Photograph final product for record keeping. 

5.) Instruct high-school interns to clean up your mess.